So, my friend Seanan McGuire has a song called "Pretty Little Dead Girl." It's an urban-legend tale about a '40s-era car-racing ghost, available on her album "Stars Fall Home."

Seanan is also a huge Doctor Who fan.

So, some time ago, when I misheard "It's the tale of Rose Marshall" as "it's the tale of Rose Tyler," I started planning this.

I tried performing this one at Baycon 2009, but it really needs production value, or at least an accompanist. Maybe if I had a karaoke version of the original...but in the meantime.

(I gave Seanan a copy of the lyrics at the con. She read a stanza before telling me she was going to kill me.)

"Time-Traveling Blonde Girl"
by Will "scifantasy" Frank
ttto: "Pretty Little Dead Girl" by Seanan McGuire

It's a very sad story; it's a very sad tale
All about what can happen when realities fail
It's the tale of Rose Tyler--proud, gentle, and true--
And why you shouldn't travel with a Doctor named...who?

Let me tell you about Rose Tyler
The sweetest girl that you've ever seen.
They always say that the good die young,
Well, she vanished when she was nineteen,
Met a guy with a box and she split this scene.

They always said she was Jackie's darling,
People said she was standing still.
She had a guy and things were average
And that lasted right up until
She had to run away or she'd be killed!

Now she's a time-traveling blond girl in a police box
And the things she's seen would shock you right down to your socks
And if you've got a brain, boy, don't try to have some fun
Because she looks real sweet and she smiles real nice
But you'd better take some well-meant good advice
If you encounter Rose then you'd better start to run.

No one's really quite sure what happened,
They just can't keep the story straight.
One night at work and Rose got curious,
She went downstairs though it was real late.
And that is how she met her final fate.

Her mother said someone attacked her
Down inside the department store.
Then it exploded--but here's the strange thing--
She lived through that and furthermore
She went off with the Doctor to explore.

Now she's a time-traveling blond girl in a police box
And the things she's seen would shock you right down to your socks
And if you've got a brain, boy, don't try to have some fun
Because the TARDIS flies by unnatural laws
And it'll drop through time without any cause
If you encounter Rose then you'd better start to run.

'bout one year later the story started;
They say she flies through time and space
They say she's looking for adventure
They say her Doctor was replaced
It's the same man with a brand new face.

Some people say that they're just a legend,
Some people say that they're something more.
Here's what I know: when that box shows up,
There's lots of trouble still in store,
And the bad guys don't stay here no more.

Jack Harkness was a good man. Real friendly. Great...dancer. OK, he wasn't
a genuine Time Agent, but he was of the highest order. That's why he came
along to Satellite Five. I guess he was real worried, because he stayed
down in the lowest levels, even though I told him not to, even though I
told him he couldn't stop Daleks...Jack Harkness was a good man. And now
he's an undead one.

If you run into her you might want to go with her
But it's worth it to consider and dither
She's a package of trouble from a council housing zone.

When you got right down to it, Donna was always, without a doubt, Donna. A
little sweet, a little stubborn, and a whole lot sure that she knew what
was best for her. 'Don't mess with the crazy Time Lord at Adipose,' I
said, and sure enough, the very next night...well, I guess the dissolving
of all realities taught her to listen to her family. Until she was
mindwiped, anyway.

She's not looking for a boyfriend, she's got the guy with the great ride.
But traveling with her is a form of suicide,
'Cause over millions of years the Doctor just can't be alone.

I guess Martha got lucky. She went to the blue box looking for answers,
and when she found them, she managed to get away with her life. Yeah. Real
lucky. Spent a year in the timeline from hell, and now she's working for
UNIT. Keeps saying she knows too much. If the Master regenerates, I'll
tell him a thing or two. With a shotgun. (Insert 'immune to bullets' joke
here.)

If you want to come along, then you're in for a journey
But if you stay around too long you might join with eternity
'Cause she's got herself a boyfriend who can "dance" the whole night
through.

Mickey...was an idiot.

She's a little out of date but she's never out of style,
And she'll lead to your fate with a shimmy and a smile,
So if you feel like living, don’t let Rosie take you too.

Let me tell you about Rose Tyler--
Might be the weirdest thing ever seen.
They say Companions never go,
Well, she vanished when she was nineteen.
Met a guy with a box and she split this scene.
She vanished when she was nineteen.
Met a guy with a box and she split this scene.

Traveling blond girl, time-traveling blond girl.
Traveling blond girl, time-traveling blond girl.
Traveling blond girl, time-traveling blond girl.
Time-traveling blond girl in a police box.